So Cold It Burns
by Shira Lansys
Summary: You were warm, once. But life happens, and people f*** things up. Warnings for descriptions of underage sex, and for angst. Onesided TeddyLily.


You're fourteen when you foolishly throw yourself at him. It's a good thing you don't do it in front of people; it would have raised awkward questions for him, and the humiliation for you would have been unbearable.

It's cold, dark; you're both supposed to be inside, but Teddy's escaped outside for a fag and you've followed, because you're his little lost puppy, and you don't realise how pathetic you must seem.

"Lily," he says, oh-so-gently as he pushes you away, and even at fourteen you know that the way he says your name isn't good. "This isn't… we can't…."

He can't seem to get his words right, but you're a sucker for punishment so you wait. You should run, should pretend this never happened, but his voice has you transfixed. This isn't anything new; he's had you transfixed for a long time.

"Look," he finally says. "You need to find someone your own age. You're a pretty girl; I bet boys are falling over themselves to go out with you."

You don't tell him that they aren't, and that even if they were then you wouldn't want them, because they aren't him. You don't even let him see you cry. You run back into the house before that can happen.

xXx

It's the day before you go back to Hogwarts that you see why he told you to find someone your own age. There are some things that fourteen year old girls are too young for, and when you catch him doing those things with Victoire, you know why he rejected you.

They're too caught up in each other to notice you, and their moans drown out the click of the shutting door as you slip away. You can pretend you didn't see them, but only to the rest of the world. Never to yourself.

You find it easy to hate Victoire, when you're at Hogwarts and you know that she's out there fucking Teddy. You picture it as you lie awake at night, your mind replaying images of them together. Her hair falling over them like a glossy curtain; her limbs wrapping themselves around his body; her mouth breathing words on his taut neck.

You've never wanted to crucio someone before, but you do now.

Sometimes, when the jealousy and hatred builds up inside you so much that you can't stand it, you pretend that it wasn't Victoire you saw. You pretend that it's you instead; running your hands over Teddy's bronzed skin. You pretend that it's your long red hair falling onto his shoulder.

"Oh, Victoire," he'd said, when you saw him that time. "So… good. Oh, yes, Victoire! Oh!" But in your head, it's always your name he says.

These thoughts always make you squirm, and sometimes you run your hands over yourself, pretending that they're his. Your nipples harden, which excites you, but it tickles a bit when you play with them, so usually you move further down your body, to the wetness that thoughts of Teddy has caused. You pretend that he's touching you down there, that it's his finger rubbing your clitoris and slipping inside of you. And in your mind, it is; when your back arches and your limbs shake with the ecstasy, it's him who's rubbing your clit over and over again until you can't stand it anymore.

When you see him over the next holidays, you blush. Thank Merlin no one in your family is a mind reader.

Maybe Teddy's right, because boys do start asking you out, even though you're only fourteen. Most of them aren't that much older than you, and a lot of them are reluctant to do 'stuff'. This annoys you a little, because in your mind, this is the only difference between you and Victoire. But you don't want to seem like a slut, so you don't push the matter.

The summer holidays come and go, and you're happy when you go back to school because you didn't see Victoire at all, but Teddy was around at your house all the time. This seems like a good omen.

Hamish Finch-Fletchley asks you out when you get back, and you say yes because you're bored. He's reluctant to go further than kissing with you, but you've come to expect this. You resign yourself to waiting.

You're still dating him when you walk into the Room of Requirement one day and find Liam Davies sitting there. This surprises you; it is, after all, the Room Where No One Will Find You. But you suppose it only works if someone's _looking_ for you.

He's a fifth-year Ravenclaw; clever, rather handsome (in a dark way), and you should leave. But he's talking to you, and now you're talking back. Before you know it, he's kissing you and you're not stopping him. You have a boyfriend, but that doesn't seem to matter anymore….

You don't _think_ you lose your virginity that night, but you definitely get further than you have with anyone your own age. Boys are too honourable, you muse, as your hand moves up and down on Davies' lubricated cock. They don't want to take advantage of you, even when you want to be taken advantage of.

Liam Davies seemed to have no such qualms.

He's only done this once before, he tells you. It doesn't make you feel good, but it doesn't really make you feel any worse, either. You just hum in reply and adjust your strokes.

Your hand begins to get sore, and you lean down so that your lips are positioned over his swollen head. You're not so sure about this; you've heard people do it, but you're not sure how – or why. You think that maybe you'll just swap hands when Davies moans and grunts, "Oh, yes!" It reminds you of Teddy, and your resolve firms.

It's too big for you. It's awkward and you don't like the taste, but you don't have to put up with it for long. You only go down on him a couple of times before his hips jerk, choking you, and your mouth fills with a salty liquid that you don't really like. You pull back and spit it out onto the floor.

The next week, you dump Hamish. You wonder if your guilt makes you less hateful, or whether the fact that you don't even tell him the truth just makes you that much more of a bitch.

You properly lose your virginity a few months later, and this time it _is_ with your boyfriend. "We don't have to go all the way, if you don't want to," he tells you. You ignore him and start undoing his pants.

It doesn't last long, and you don't come, but he certainly seems to enjoy himself. It's alright though; once he's fallen asleep, you slip your hand between your legs and imagine it had been Teddy thrusting into you. Despite your soreness from before, your orgasm is your best one yet.

You and Hamish fuck for a few more months, but he dumps you in the end – the first boy who's ever ended it. Usually you're the one who dumps them. "You're lovely, Lils," he tells you, "but… I don't know. It doesn't feel right any more. You're too cold."

"I was always this cold," you tell him. "It's not my fault if you expected me to warm up." You're angry at him for asking that of you; you never promised him love. Wasn't liking him enough?

To make up for it, you fall into bed with the next boy who's willing, which is surprisingly easy this time. Ever since you fucked Davies, your reputation has been spreading. You find this is a much better solution than bothering with a boyfriend. From then on, whenever you want to fuck someone, you pull the next willing boy into the Room of Requirement. The line is always a long one.

You know that Albus is worried about you, which is hypocritical of him, seeing as he can't even tell their father that he's fucking Scorpius Malfoy. _At least I know which gender I'm supposed to fall in love with, _you think. You hate yourself for the thought, but you do think it.

You don't hate yourself so much when Teddy pulls you aside over the summer. "Albus told me what you've been getting up to at school this year," he says. "I think we should talk."

"Like you care," you say coldly. It's his fault, anyway. But you sort of want him to know that, so you make your accusation, and he doesn't say a word.

You don't wait for his response once you've finished your story. You just walk off, like you should have the night that you kissed him.

"You did it all, Lily," he calls out after you. "Not me."

You ignore him, because you already know this. You've gone all the way alone, without anyone else, let alone Teddy.

But it's so much easier blaming him.


End file.
